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2003-08-04 - 9:35 p.m.

I have to tell about Bob before I tell about anything. Sydney, Nina & I met him at the bar across from the Wisconsin State Fair Saturday, where we were hanging out, having drinks, waiting for the rain to pass. Bob is some sort of checker of ride safety at the fair, & he decided not to go in to work & to instead keep on drinking with us. Um, drinking at us more like. And talking at us. Ok, never ever ever ever ever ever ever go on a ride at the fair, ok? Because Bob checks them! He was going to go in to work after drinking himself retarded, & then decided not to go in at all! Big deal! Ride safety checker! So he stayed at the bar, telling stuff at us. I�ll try to remember the best stuff. I was closest to him & I think I was often the only one who could make out individual words. He told us such things as why she left him (he was building boats 100 hours a week & there were always guys around that place with more money than him), why his job is great (a long answer that�s basically the learning, the fun, & the people), why he�s really good at this job & his former job as a musician in Sarasota (not because he�s all that but because he had great teachers some of them damn young) & why he smokes pot every day (he�s from California & Florida & also something about throwing pot in a cop�s face & how he has a prescription & so can�t get busted.)

My questions for Bob were had he ever seen Buffy (a few times the first two seasons & he liked it & she�s almost as good as Samantha Stevens on Bewitched who he loves & also Gilligan), whether he�d have a kitty or a bunny if he could choose (Babyish voice � �I�d have both.� �You can�t have both, that�s the thing of it.� �Yes I can � I�d raise them both together from babies & they�d sleep together & cuddle together & love each other BUT THE BIRD WOULD BE THE BOSS.�), and whether he�d have a shark or a monkey. He totally thought this last question was ridiculous as the obvious answer would be a shark. �I�d make friends with a shark!� �I don�t think you can make friends with sharks.� He stood up to give his answer & it was something about beating the shark with a length of bike chain before he fed it every few hours, then he & the shark would be real good friends. After that it got really scary because I obviously became the shark to him & he was pointing in my face & yelling stuff that comes under the category Things You Would Yell In A Shark�s Face, all �You & I are friends� & �I�ll beat you again with a bike chain� or whatever, shit I cannot even remember but I had to really be like �I am not your shark!�

He bought us shots of Tequila Rose. Also he didn�t have any skin on the top of one of his feet. I didn�t see it, only know it because he told us. A few times he said �I am NOT taking anyone home tonight.� He said it in the way that I say �I am totally not going to drink too much & make an ass of myself tonight.� Like you know you�re probably going to & just feel like if you say it a bunch of times you can make magic happen & change your pattern.

The question of how he looked is something I don�t know how to deal with. They don�t make celebrities like that. To whom can I compare him. Maybe like an extra on Xena when she & Gabby ride into some war-torn village where everyone is starving & half out of their minds? I know that�s not specific enough & it leads you to believe that he had a curly mullet which he did not. Maybe Nina or Sydney can offer some help.

We did finally go to the fair after doing shots of Tequila Rose with Bob, & it totally rained the whole time but we stayed anyway. I ate a giant hot dog, deep-fried Oreos, an amazing cream puff, & a burger made from over one thousand butterflies! That was The Shit. We saw a ton of bunnies. I loved them to death, but I have a hard time when the animals all look so scared. It makes me kind of sick. What else makes me sick is the pigs� balls. GOD. They made me want to fucking die they were so sickening, like balloons. Nina said that they were the grossest color ever, & I said �Yeah. Raw.� & she said �Boiled.� UGH!!!! Also, she SWEARS that there was a pig shaking it�s ass at us? And that I pointed it out? But I totally must have blocked it.

We finally were super tired & left & got to Nina�s just in time for Sex & the City, where we got to see the ladies getting high together for the second time of the series. LOVED IT.

Eew, today I saw Stifler on Regis & Kelly & he came out & she was like �You�re adorable� & he was like �YOU�RE ADORABLE� & then �I�VE GOT TWO THINGS. ONE, YOU LOOK HOT THIS MORNING.� I can�t remember the other but I think his eyes were even closer together like he & Kutcher are having some sort of contest about who can most successfully blur the attractive/retarded boundary, & why does everyone who works with him go on about how he really couldn�t be any more different than his character & he�s so quiet & sweet? It has to be an in-joke.

Please please please do me a favor & watch Ian Ziering on Jennie Garth�s sitcom. It�s sometime this week, I�m not sure when. Don�t make me watch it alone.

I feel like I�ve somehow sugarcoated Bob.

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