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2001-09-26 - 5:44 p.m.

Love Cruise is a miracle of wonderfulness. Am I right or am I right? I love the Marty Feldman-with-implants lady. She's pretty amazing. I hate that that one woman who looks like PJ Harvey thinks she's so heinous. God. Although when she was like "Once when I was 8, some boys barked at me because I was so ugly", I'm like, that's it? That's all you've got? Because believe me, if that had happened to me once a day for all of junior high & high school, but that was the extent of the torture, I'd be a much less angry woman than I am today. Because that is not shit. Young boys are disgusting things that should probably be caged.

Now Bob Green is totally going to come after me. Is that his name?

Did you watch "Undeclared" last night? It was so good. It gave me a new fear: the fear that I will earn the same fate as the main kid's dad. Waking up after getting really wasted, to have stuff drawn on my face. Specifically, the words SHUT IT on my cheek, with an arrow pointing to my mouth. It was really the arrow that was so amazing. Like, "Let there be NO MISTAKE what needs to be shut here. THAT ORIFICE IS THE TROUBLE."

OH!!! I probably am an ass to announce this, but I totally have a boyfriend on Love Cruise! That one dude. Can you please figure it out for yourself, through process of elimination? It's not Bob, who I thought was wearing a t-shirt of himself until Andrew pointed out that it's actually Carole King, it's not mulletude, it's neither the doomed black guy nor the poor Jewish guy both of whom are there for no other purpose than to avoid the publicity headache of the all-Aryan-appearing lovefest the producers really would like to have & you know it & I know it & they know it, & it's most certainly not that fucking psycho with the religious tattoos & the poetry. He is yours beyond all doubt. His eyes make me sick & I'd gladly throw lye in them.

I love that loud one. I like how he picked the pretty darkhaired woman to do, & totally flattered her (in the sick way that people relate on this show, I took it as flattery), & I liked his general boisterousness. If he is gross tonight, I am totally going to edit this entry.

After I described him to Nina, she said accusingly "You like guys who yell." We decided maybe that guy & Jack Black & Will Ferrell will all be put in a room together & made to whisper to each other & see who can last the longest. Maybe the loudest would win my heart. Then she said "What if Lloyd somehow got stuck in that room?"

Lloyd is my sweet, terrified-of-everything, baby kitten. She would tear them up with the talons of death on her back feet.

Here is some Lloyd news: some scientists came by the other day with this instrument they invented. They said by combining measurements of the delicacy of a kitten's ear with a measurement of the sweetness of her ear, they can come close to telling if the kitten is an angel. They measured her ear, found it unprecedentedly thin & delicate, with a taste like spun sugar. Or very naughty meringue. She is most definitely at least a quarter angel. Also part cream loaf, part flying squirrel, a bit of moth, & a few drops nosferatu.

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