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2001-02-15 - 17:28:11

Did you see Will Ferrell on SNL the other night, all wild-eyed as an attorney who sues dogs? Oh my GOD I wanted it to be true sooo much. I hate dawgs. They do gross stuff & get away with it & his main point was that it's WRONG & you can call him & he'll MAKE THEM PAY! I think I'll start by sueing Bubbles, my friend from high school's enormous St. Bernard. I will never forgive Bubbles for the night of the Cure concert, when I was standing there in Jane's kitchen tripping on acid all ready to go & waiting for the other ladies to finish the final coat of hairspray & Bubbles lumbered by & I could barely even feel her touch me but I looked down & saw my entire right thigh had a sticky coating of wet, striking everyone as hilarious that Bubbles had grazed my purple pants with her lip & caused that much damage. Dude, I was TRIPPING. It was completely gross. I'm comin' for ya, Bubbles. And I've got crazyeye Will Ferrell with me.

The other thing is that Sydney calling me at work this morning to ask which is "cooler", midgets or giants, reminded me of something I never would have remembered otherwise. The other day I was super high & saw....an ad? What did I see? SOMETHING having to do with that Billy Crystal movie "My Giant", & you know that giant that's in it, I wondered out loud what happened to his movie career. And I started thinking, what if he totally had a movie career from that, & broke the height barrier & did movies where his size was incidental, like what if he had the starring role in "Gladiator", or "Return to Me"? What if he had Tom Cruise's part in "Magnolia"? Or Eric Stoltz's part in "House of Mirth"? What if he'd been cast as Angel, or as Scully's new partner? What if he had all of Jason Biggs' roles (please think about it)? What if he had Jason Lee's role in "Almost Famous"? Or Patrick Fugit's? What if he was introduced as a Steve Sanders character on "Grosse Pointe", or a new exchange student on "Popular"? What if he played Nick on Freaks & Geeks? Or Daniel? What if he played Johnny Loh? What if he became Co's sidekick? What if he was a Powerpuff Girl? What if he joined the Waco Brothers? What if he played O'Brien on "Nikita"? What if he went on Iron Chef? What if he played Radiskull? What if Croc hunted him down? What if he hosted "Models on Parade"?

Ok, I'm pretty much done.

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