2004-02-29 - 11:01 p.m.

I was super excited to see the Gossip the other night, & you can’t imagine how many cute ladies there were there. Tons of punk rock women, queer women, fat women. All these ladies to whom the band & especially Beth Ditto mean so much. I ran into a woman I know when I was getting drinks & we’d both seen them before, at different shows, & she said “It’s just awesome to see someone who’s a normal size rocking out on a stage.” Yeah, totally. I liked all the opening bands, especially Hot Machines & Young People. The Gossip came out on stage & Beth was shockingly small. Not skinny, but she clearly had lost a ton of weight. Which is something people always notice, but especially about someone who is a fat activist, & poses fat for On Our Backs & talks about how sexy fat is. So…it was weird, that everyone knew that everyone was looking at her & thinking about her body, or at least all the people who were there who know at all who she is & what she’s about. Everyone cheered a ton & she mentioned that she’d just started her period. People cheered & she was like “No, not yay.” She seemed like she was trying to be up about the show, but really would’ve rather been lying in her bed watching Buffy with her 2 cats next to her & Sydney packing a bowl. What people always want on their period. Next, this super loud man’s voice yells out “BETH, YOU LOOK AWESOME! YOU LOST A SHITLOAD OF WEIGHT!” My brain froze like when there’s violence or blood or something like that in your normal day & you really don’t think you’re seeing it. Like your brain has to be misinterpreting the facts. I looked at the women next to me, & there were some “Fuck you!”s from us, but otherwise it was mostly up to Beth to defend herself. He was on the other side of the stage from me, & I never saw a person, only heard a voice. I feel like as her fans, we failed her. He should’ve been made to leave by the entire crowd. Here is what she said, as best as I can remember: “That is not awesome. That is NOT awesome. And that is not why I look awesome. I can’t believe you said that. I lost a shitload of weight, because I got really sick & couldn’t eat. There is nothing awesome about that. That is so not a compliment. It’s an insult.” People clapped. This is a feminist, queer, fat-pos band. The space should be the same. I am so fucking sick of this shit. In the really recent past we’ve looked to people like Camryn Manheim & Roseanne & even the Two Never Fat Ladies Margaret Cho & Janeane as fat heroes? No. That is retarded & sad. Beth is someone genuinely transgressive because she is genuinely self-loving & is not, as far as I can tell, wrestling with the contradiction of wanting to be herself but also wanting to go make a ton of money & needing to be thin to do it. She’d rather create change in the world than cut off parts of herself. Ugh. What an attack, for her & for all women there. If someone knows who that dude is, I would love to help with a project of making his life hell.

Other things:

Down with ponchos.

When did Robin Williams & Bobcat Goldthwait get married?

I read Steve Almond’s Candyfreak a few weeks ago when I was sick & it was really good. I wish I could give it to Fez, he sure does love candy. But I’m not sure if anyone loves it as much as Steve Almond. He often seems on the verge of passing out from his love of cand. Awesome.

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