2003-01-05 - 3:56 p.m.

The story. Syd, Nina, Jim & I went out for Syd’s birthday. First bowling, then to the bar. There’s an Axl Rose lookalike who lives at the bar. We’ve pretty much all seen him, but Nina never had. We were excited that she’d finally see him, & pointed out that he was right behind her, standing in front of the band rocking out. It’s the same bar band that’s always there, everyone else is at their tables watching the band, he’s the only one who needs to be directly in front of them, ROCKING OUT. You know everything he had on. Bandanna, with hat over it. Leather jacket with a Confederate flag on back. Skintight pants - leather? Jeans? Dunno. Total Axl outfit, as per. So Nina takes a look, & turns back to us with a completely smitten look on her face & says she wants him & asks me for an opening line. I told her to ask if he likes cats. He moves to the back of the bar & she goes back there. I totally didn’t turn around, & was relying on Sydney to give me reports of what was happening. She finally saw her talking to him. A few minutes later, Nina walks back over, beaming, with Axl in tow. He stops directly in front of Sydney & starts singing a G’n’R song. I don’t know what one, I’m going to guess Jungle or Paradise City, I could mainly hear his screeching over the regular band. Sydney is super gracious, smiling & saying thank you like he’d just given her something nice like maybe flowers or a compliment. Nina gives him smitten hugs & he struts away. She sits down & tells. Apparently, she walked up to him & asked if he’d sing her friend a song for her birthday, he said “Let me guess. Guns’n’Roses.” Wow! How could he have known that??? She says yeah, & asks him if he likes cats. He replies that he loves them, & also loves to eat pussy. We were like wow, & Nina says “Yeah! And...we’re a couple? I guess we’re a couple. That’s what he told me. And he asked how I’d feel about being his girlfriend. And named the nights of the week that he’s here.” Ok, so we were all processing this (I’m sorry I keep changing the tense of the story – did it happen or IS IT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? But I can’t help it don’t be mean), while Ax is strutting around clearly GUNNING for Nina’s attench. He circled & made his way back up to the front of the band. A second later, he swooped over to our table, sat down, & started wildly gesticulating while singing something. I had some sort of crisis where I could not look him in the face. I really didn’t want to laugh in his face, I wanted to only laugh at him from afar & not have to deal with him as a real person, so I pretended he wasn’t there & stared at the band playing. If only I wasn’t such a good & sensitive soul, the following part of the story might be just a little clearer. I know he was making really exaggerated movements & could see from the corner of my eye that those who were looking at him were shocked. He went away & I said “Oh. My. God,” to Jim who said something about “I can’t believe he’d come over here with those teeth.” I was so happy that he’d done all that crazy shit right next to Nina with I believe his arm around her, that I told Sydney it was the best night of my life. We talked about other stuff & then left the bar a while later. Nina’s first statement was “I would do him and I will do him.” Next, she asked if we’d seen her make out with him, & was angry that we hadn’t, saying especially to Sydney “I did it for you!” She then said something about his teeth, & I was like “What about his teeth?” & Nina said “You didn’t see them?!?” & made a motion of taking out her teeth & waving them around? I just said no. Ok, the next morning I asked Sydney about the teeth, & she said they were all silver & gold, all of them, & really really scary. I said “Like a cyborg?” “Yes.” At this point, I totally believe he had a mouthful of s&g teeth, that he waved around. This the version that Merritt got. Further research shows discrepancies between Sydney’s & Nina’s accounts of The Teeth – Nina was like “WHAT?” & said he had fake Billy Bob teeth (I’m sorry that term has to come up in my diary) that he wore over to the table to sing in, & then flashed around the table. Ok. So I go back to Sydney with this, & she says “All I know is there was an awful lot of shine coming from that mouth.”

This may not be a great story to you but it is to me. It’s my version of events & I welcome Sydney & Jim contributing any funny shit that I have forgotten.

Other stuff: I had a good New Year’s Eve. I am embarassed if I think too much about being really drunk & playing Cranium & having to act out the words hormone & lowrider. So I just can’t think about it.

Movies I have seen this year are The Hours which I found emotionally devastating & wanted to cry at like I only cry for Buffy, really loud. Gaudy crying. And Adaptation. I LOVE Donald Kaufman. Push in the bush indeed. Also did you read that article on the paper about Chris Cooper & how he’s so shy? I love him! I never pictured him that way. I would write him into a movie if I wrote movies. Maybe there’s a part for him in the Christmas special Andrew insists I make of the Axl story? He could be Jim? We could beef his part up & give him some kind of extra conflict – he could have some connection to Slash? A veteran of the Snakepit?

Last night I got to see my friend Ann who has no salt on her tail.

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