2002-06-26 - 12:42 p.m.

TV Guide

June 29-July 5

On page 6, that scary guy who is always killing my fucking buzz with scary commercials for his show The Shield, talks about how after his show Daddio (which I can�t remember but smells like something I hated) he decided he needed to �get back to (his) roots as an actor and do something smart.� So, his wife Michelle suggested he �quit reading scripts and hit the gym.� Then, �Michelle and I got in the shower together and shaved my head.� Um? What�s happening? Why is it so gross here on page 6 of TV Guide? I cannot believe anyone would say any of this in an interview. God. But, I do like Michelle. That is so great to just take whatever your boyfriend is going through & tell him what he needs to do is remake himself into however you think he might be hot. I would be like �You really need to get back to your actor roots. You know, get a neck tattoo, learn all the Burt parts from the Best Little Whorehouse soundtrack so you can sing them with me. That kind of thing. Get Ewan MacGregor�s hair maybe? Do about twelve loads of my laundry. Sing tiny songs to the cats, definitely. That�ll help your confidence on auditions.�

On page 8, they give a fucking jeer to the Osbournes! Fuck you, dudes. Fine that you warn them against overexposure, but fuck you for running a picture of Kelly singing at the Mtv Movie Awards alongside it. She was ADORABLE. I cannot WAIT until she has videos!!!! Imagine the outfits. God, imagine her in like old Missy kind of videos, all outerspacey & beautiful.

Ok. Here is the part of this issue of TV Guide that makes me want to not leave my bed ever again. On p. 12 & 14 � �After she broke up with (fiance) Aidan last season, I didn�t think it was appropriate for her to be running around Manhattan in short skirts,� Parker says. �It felt disrespectful to Aidan to throw her back on the market that way.� Oh. My. God. There is so much wrong with that statement that I just have to skip it. The other thing is that Miranda�s storylines are going to be about her trying to lose weight.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

p. 38 has a picture of Linda Dano, who I used to have a big crush on & would specifically watch �Attitudes� to see her & her hats.

p. 44 has a review of Mirrorball, featuring Joanna Lumley & Jennifer Saunders. I cannot WAIT. Jennifer Saunders gets beautifuller & beautifuller.

Between pages 52 & 53 is this doll that I want so fucking bad. It�s a Franklin Mint doll, & it�s Sandy at the end of Grease. Oh my god. Only 3 monthly installments of $45, and there�s a trunk and additional fashion ensembles sold separately and available to Sandy collectors. I can�t stand that they don�t even show the additional fashion ensembles! Do they not understand how much those outfits could sway people into purchasing the doll? WHEN does Rizzo doll come out? Don�t even think I wouldn�t pay $135 for a Rizzo doll. Do not think it.

I�m done with The Guide. I have to say the rest of my stuff & then get back in the air conditioned living room. I finished �The Dirt� a long time ago but still have to give my final rad quotes.

�Nikki didn�t like to have his lyrics scrutinized. There was this line in this song called �Glitter� that went, �Let�s make a baby inside of you.� And I was like, �There is no way. You can�t put that line on this record.� It was ridiculous. And he basically tried to say that it was the best thing he�d ever written.�

-producer Scott Humphrey, p.330

Tommy is depressed after Pam�s miscarriage, Pam wants to cheer him up & gives him a surprise party for his 33rd birthday:

�I came home that night and she said �I want to dress you like a king!� She grabbed a big-ass purple robe and a crazy crown she had bought, then a makeup artist covered me with white face powder so that I looked like the Crow or something. Pamela�led me to our driveway, where a tour bus covered with birthday banners had pulled up. Inside, there were nine midgets singing �Happy Birthday,� champagne was flowing, and a dozen of my friends were dressed in drag�.Midgets were everywhere, saying��Welcome to Tommyland, welcome to Tommyland, hee-hee-hee,� as they unrolled a red carpet between the lines of fire. In the meantime, all kinds of clowns and acrobats materialized, filling the air with confetti.�

There is of course a bunch of other shit, & at the end of the night a bunch of ambulances came that Pam had hired to drive everyone home at the end of the night. So he was super happy that he got carried to his home in a stretcher. I have to admit, of that I am really jealous.

I could totally see myself going to a party with celebrities & thinking that Matthew Mcconaughey was going to get me high. But then maybe Matthew Mcconaughey wouldn�t even really want to talk to me, or he may turn weird when I brought up drugs. Then someone totally unexpected might end up getting me high, like John Turturro. You know? That is the way it is sometimes.

It is so sad that VIP got cancelled. They should make a VIP movie every summer. That would ROCK!!

This morning on The View, the ladies all tried to learn how to tricks on a stripper pole. Barbara went first. The lady who showed them teaches classes on it, & she is the wife of that guy Richard something from West Wing. She was in �Dancing at the Blue Iguana.� They brought him up from the audience & kept yelling �The luckiest man in America!� Ugh. It was almost enough to make me turn to The Other Half.

*perv* *next*